Rabbis and layleaders alike are calling today a “landmark in the convergence of Judaism and Technology”, as DailyMitzvot.com unveils its much anticipated “Gan Eden Tracker” in the iPhone’s App Store. Gan Eden Tracker is a robust tool for iPhone users to know, at all times, exactly where they stand in the eyes of God.
Upon entering the program, the user inputs his most recent actions into one of three categories; “Mitzvah”, “Sin”, or “Somewhere in-between”. The application’s comprehensive list of Mitzvot and Averot covers everything from “Abstinence” to “Zealotry”, and “Abortion” to “Zionism”. Once the user inputs his deeds and transgressions, he can easily view his place on the “Heaven-O-Meter”.
The scale shows users exactly where they may be spending the rest of eternity if, for instance, a boulder were to fall on his head at that given moment. Furthermore, since all actions are logged and geo-tagged on DailyMitzvot.com’s secure central server, the program is even able to show you which other users you may bump into in your current circle. Beta tester Eddie Betesh, a recent bal-teshuva, told us about how this single feature saved his soul. “The first thing I did when I started using the app was enter ‘Dinner at Vic’s. I didn’t think it was a big deal. The next day, when I returned to New York and got an AT&T signal, the application synced with the servers and showed I was in the same circle as Osama Bin Laden, Joseph Stalin, and Bud Selig. I was shocked. Who knew Bin Laden was an iPhone user?”
Other Beta testers have also reported immediate satisfaction. David Cohen told us, “The reason this program is so useful, is the instant recognition and feedback. For example, this morning, when I did Netilat Yadaim, I mistakenly washed my left hand first. I saw an immediate drop in my rating, and knew to spend an extra 5 minutes on my Amida in Shacharit. I raised myself right back up!”
- Gan Eden - There's an App For That
The heart of the application lies within its ability to discern the subtleties between a grave sin and a minor infraction, a marginal deed and a soul-saving redemption, and ultimately save God thousand of man-hours in calculations. God himself, having been previously limited to using an abacus and some pistachio shells, praised the complicated programming that was involved. “What impresses me most, is the accuracy of the plus/minus point system used. That, and the breadth of sins they thought of. They got things in there I haven’t seen since the Inquisition!”
Calculating the scale was not without controversy. Numerous rabbinical sources and opinions were consulted, and many changes were made along the way. One programmer, who wished to remain anonymous, says values will continue ongoing adjustments as society changes. “Thirty years ago, sleeping with your neighbor’s wife would have been a Class-J Sin. Today, its practically a Mitzvah.”
While the bulk of the algorithm is kept secret, certain aspects have been leaked. As a guide, the Rabbis and developers sought to have all Man-to-God Mitzvot average double the point values of Man-to-Man Mitzvot. Within each specified action, the values are scaled to represent the myriad of conditions that may apply. For example, if one were to cheat on his taxes, the Heaven-O-Meter won’t lower unless he gets caught, and can even increase if a portion of the proceeds are given to a Jewish Charity. For users who work in the retail business, a ‘fudge-factor’ has been built in to assume a benchmark degree of dishonesty.
The last, and perhaps most important phase of ‘Gan Eden Tracker’ is its ability to help steer you up the heavenly ladder through proactive correction and integration with the iPhone’s other applications. One such option is the “immediate redemption” feature. If activated, when a transgression is entered, the app will provide an appropriate perek of tehillim, or other incantation, to help appease the Lord. For more severe sins, the iPhone’s GPS tracker will provide turn-by-turn directions to the nearest Mikveh.
Some Rabbis expressed strong reservations about the advent of this technology, fearing it may lead to the end of the Rabbinate as we know it. “How will I ever earn a living, if everyone is carrying this around in their pocket? Next thing you know, technology will find quicker and more accurate ways to write Torahs and Megillot!”, cried the Rabbi, who also works as a part time Soffer.
Gan Eden Tracker is currently available in the iTunes App Store for $19.99. (Apple rejected the developer’s initial price of $18.01)
Welcome back…
absolutely hilarious…
Welcome Back Enclave!
You have been missed!!
“The application’s comprehensive list of Mitzvot and Averot covers everything from “Abstinence” to “Zealotry”, and “Abortion” to “Zionism”. ”
Just to be clear- Zionism is an averah in this app correct? I wouldn’t want people being rewarded for celebrating a country that does not have a religious government. Has Vehalila!!!
fruity — I looked back at that sentence — seems Zionism is firmly in the ‘averah category with Abortion… while Zealotry is included in the Mitzvah category with Abstinence.
Thank God the developers have their priorities straight.
Major do-hocks… but i think the writer will lose allot of points, this was published on shabbat [ended 9:19].
Akefay Ersonpay,
We have no idea what you are talking about.
If you were a real person we’d be offended.
The Staff
quoting God. I love it.
methinks The Staff think Judaism is something other than a celestial scorecard with gold stars on it.
what, pray tell, are mitzvois (CORRECT spelling) for, if not getting into heaven so i don’t go to hell and burn for all of eternity?
its not that my werldview is shaped by unfortunate christian influence. its just that i don’t want to find myself in the ninth circle of hell, being torn apart by the crying face of satan along with cassius, brutus and Judas.
Ex – personally, I’m bothered that the blasphemers and moneylenders are lumped in the 7th circle with, you know, the lot 6s… not that there’s anything wrong with that.
this is a great application. please pass along these suggestions to the developer so he can include them in the version 1.1 release:
1. use the iphone’s built in gyroscope to measure the frequency and angle of person’s bowing and shaking during amidah, as we all know the faster one continually bows during amidah and other prayers, the more g-d listens.
2. must have built-in handling for modern-day alterations to actions, such as bringing your own cheese for vics (minus 2 points for stupidity), answering “yes” to any question pertaining to future plans, including items as minute as that evening’s dinner plans (one must always say ‘be-ezrat Hashem’, even if the plans are for vic’s).
anyone have other suggestions?
“sleeping with your neighbor’s wife… practically a mitzvah today” You forgot to mention the gym\tennis instructor, u.p.s. guy, hair stylist,the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker…..
you guys crack me up…bruchim habaim!!!!!
costanza, were you as excited to see the true explanation for lot six somewhere on this site as i was? i think it might have been on the ‘no gays in the community’ article.
black hat on too tight:
3. build in a small electromagnetic pulse to disable TV, computers, and all other devices with the capacity to display pritzus (CORRECT spelling).
4. v-chip to shock people using profanity, lashon hara, or sermons that attempt to make sense of the p’shat in tanach
Shul locater App?
Put in search preferences like Blackhat, White or even Grey-white(lawrence) loving blackhat or blackhat loving white(park ave)and off we go.
Still need to tweak where Allenhurst falls out.
wow that’s a great classification for Park avenue. i’ve been looking for the right way to stereotype that place. i suppose the McDonald’s-like convenience of it makes it white hat by nature, and yet the ideology of its rabbinic leadership makes it black. so it always threw me for a loop.
el beron,
blackhat shules don’t love white. they just pretend to get the white money (and funnel it to blackhats).
This article doesn’t take into account enhanced features with the new iPhone 3.0 software:
In-App Transactions: If you’re on the way to Grimaldi’s or your mistress’s hotel room, you can now shoot over a quick payment to rabbis at the Kotel to pray for you in advance using the new in-App payment functionality. Be forgiven before you even make it to the front door! The program will even autocalculate and autodeduct the necessary amount from within the app, using your iTunes account!
Compass: Using the new iPhone 3GS compass feature, the app will always let you know which way Jerusalem is. Because it’s always due East, even if you’re in Siberia.
Of course on the New I-phone, miss a slah or surf porn and it will burn your ear off.
very funny
What is a “dahak”?